I used to pay a lot of attention to the dilapidated housing stock, but now I have become less, because I have almost reshot everything and there are few objects left to capture in the vicinity. About the dilapidated – it's now expensive.
I remember when I arrived in Vologda and was confused by how many dilapidated and simply barrack houses there are.
And now that I've walked around almost all of them, I've learned every corner, they've become like family.
Like the night courtyard spaces among stone high-rise buildings, dilapidated barracks have their own atmosphere.
I also used to divide them by frequencies, but now I don't divide them.
For me, everything has become one, comprehensive.
Among the street spaces with spots, I, like in the night yard, will feel something. I used to try to divide it into types, sort it out, give it a name, but now I don't see the point in it.
There are only sensations. They either are, or they are not. More precisely, even so: they are always there – it's me. I always feel myself everywhere.
It's clear that I'm looking for unique sensations among the same ones, different from many everyday ones.
To do this, it turns out that I put myself in conditions such as night and unfamiliar courtyards, just to feel myself brighter, to focus more attention on myself. And how to make yourself feel on ordinary streets on an ordinary day?
There is music and mood for this. You still need to have some keys, tools to turn off the mind, just to immerse yourself in reality...that is, to create maximum attention on yourself, on your feelings.
That's how all these spots, spontaneous plots, compositions turn out. There is a different mechanism in the yards. There it works due to physical conditions like darkness and dim light. It turns out that I was looking for myself all the time.
That's how photography works for self-knowledge. I could just walk around the night yards, but I need feedback, a response to myself. I need to write it down somewhere, all these feelings. Musicians and artists also record their self in their works.
If there is no direction, vector, response to your feelings, then it will manifest itself weakly and may fade away. you need some kind of business, hobby, to project your energy. You can not even appreciate and treat it with disregard. Others will still appreciate it the way they need it.
For example, you felt something, wrote it down in a picture and put it in a corner to gather dust. And so it always is. The way it accumulates. The main thing is that it is recorded. Then they will find it, who will need it and will read it, decipher your energy, your feelings. And this can serve as an impetus, a surge for their development and can also feel something.
These are all thoughts from the fact that I started walking again. The universe seems to do this intentionally: deprives me of money for gasoline, or breaks down the car so that I walk. Not even by bike, but on foot. I get to work or home very quickly by bike, even faster than by car. And thoughts flow like a river only when I'm with myself and walking.
Maybe photography is not mine, maybe I need to walk, and then write down my thoughts and share them...in books? And what if it is, and photography is just an auxiliary tool...I have been asking this question for more than three years. I keep wanting to remember the moment when I got this ability to think from walking.
I've always loved walking. I've been photographing for a long time. But about three years ago, it was like some kind of flap opened and information flowed like a river. I'm not against it, I just want to understand under what circumstances it happened. Even in the posts it is felt...after all, I constantly reread them.
And somehow they were dry and unconscious at first, and then something began to change. But I have not yet determined the moment of transition. There are suspicions that this happened from a visit to a magical holy place.
But if you look globally, I have been worried about various unusual topics since childhood and I have loved being alone for a very long time.
To be continued...