Some rambling thoughts on drinking, cannabis, loneliness, and coming out of a pandemic

in hive-111825 •  last year 

I don't want to drink today. I went two weeks without a drink and although it wasn't necessarily difficult, I was kind of bored and wanted to be able to have fun with friends. Maybe I'm having too much fun with friends now. It's not like I've been drinking every day. I'm still enjoying these non-partying days. It's kind of what I was hoping for when I experimented with not drinking.

Notice I didn't say sobriety. I like cannabis edibles. I take it in light doses and it doesn't leave me doing anything stupid or forgotten. But even getting high, I felt like I was not only bored but quite boring. I'd usually be heading home from a party around dark. When not drinking I can only take so much of people standing around doing nothing but drinking.

I am having trouble getting used to people again. I live in Buffalo, NY where most all COVID restrictions have been lifted. It's great to be able to see everyone's faces and actually hug people without fear. But I was kind of used to being alone or in small groups of friends. For a year people were putting up a mask and walking into the street instead of greeting a passing stranger with a smile. I am torn over how to get used to being around large groups of people again. And it's not about being afraid of a disease anymore. It's just general anxiety about being alone in a crowd or overwhelmed with the attention of too many people to talk to at once. I found myself lonely and depressed throughout 2020 due to pandemic restrictions. I just wanted my life back but now that I can go out again I'm not sure how to handle people, whether it's acquaintances or strangers. I had a large annual bike ride last week that I had been looking forward to (since it didn't happen last year). Instead I sat home completely unmotivated to do anything.

I should really start planning some multi day bicycle trips before work starts up in August (hopefully). Being alone on the road and in the woods beats being alone at home. Rather than press myself to be more social, I should let it come naturally. Part of that is finding this alternative to the binary choice of alone at home or lost in a crowd.

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Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.